I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
