How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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