She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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