ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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