The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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