when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
