Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
