my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
