My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize