Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
