i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
