Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
