god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
