Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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