Im at strip club and am horny
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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