i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
