All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
