i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
