she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she told me i tasted like america
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
