Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
