a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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