I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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