she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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