You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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