so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize