captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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