You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
