If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
