I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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