My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize