You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
