I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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