woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
