I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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