im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
