who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
