If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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