I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
