I looked at my own cervix.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
