I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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