We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
