note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
COCAINE IS GR8
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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