i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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