Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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