Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
