Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she told me i tasted like america
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
