idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
