so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize