I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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