Your face is a jimmy john
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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