Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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