dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
