You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
