Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
