TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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