I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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