Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize