nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
