First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
