Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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