My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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