I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
