I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
