Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
