I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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