I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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