So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize