omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
