I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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