I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
