phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm like, not good at living.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
