We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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